Monday 9th May 2016
For the last 8 months, I have been completely out of control.
I don't mean that in the raging alcoholic, heroin addict kind of way, but the sense that you cannot effect the changes in your life, and the feeling that your mind is seperate from your actions and what happens to you.
I moved to Edinburgh in September 2015 to come and study here at one of the best universities in the country. I was incredibly surprised to be given a place here, but spent the entire summer incredibly excited and enthusiastic for the next three years of my life. However, this didn't last long. I moved into my halls and the first few weeks, they were scary and weird and I missed home a bit but, most importantly, I was having fun. Soon after this, I went downhill. My work ethic completely spiralled, my course was absolutely confusing to me and I felt completely out of my depth and at a loss with what I should do. I didn't know how to handle this lack of direction or lack of any teaching at all, so I just buried it all at the back of my brain. I made excuses all day and night for everything about it, bottling it all up inside my head, which, I can tell you, breaks down your self-esteem and general mental health completely. I then would have a fun little breakdown every week or so, where I would collapse in tears and berate myself in my head for hours and hours, shouting at myself, until I could gather myself and push all my thoughts and true feelings away again. I hid inside food mostly, youtube videos and tv series, I couldn't even watch many films all the way through, because if I let my mind wander for too long I would think about all the issues I was having, so I couldn't even do that. Reading has always been a great love of mine as well, but that was completely out of the window for the last months as it leaves my mind too empty and wandering to 'bad' thoughts. I stopped caring about what I looked like, stopped shopping for clothes, stopped being excited about anything, stayed in bed as much as possible, over ate and ate horrible things for my body.
This continued over the Christmas break as well, as the short time I was home I pushed the thoughts of university away and concentrated on having a great time with my family and boyfriend. Then, on the last day before I was due to fly back to Edinburgh, I had a breakdown. This time, my mum was there. It was horrible at the time, but now I'm so glad she saw me like that. It showed her what a mess I was, and how much I had been pushing away and hiding all my feelings from myself and everyone else. We had a really long chat about my feelings towards my course and studying at university, it was really hard to be honest with her. I told her I hated myself and hated the course. I said I felt stupid and like I didn't belong there and that I'd conned myself into this university and wasn't supposed to be let in. I said how much time I'd been spending in bed and trying to forget, but most of all I told her how much I had been hurting inside and how I didn't know what to do anymore, I'd lost all focus and all energy. At one point I never thought I'd feel better ever again, and sometimes I still feel like that.
I think, in part, responsibility was a big factor, as I didn't take any for what I was doing or thinking or feeling. Another part was the missing home/moving away/making friends etc. which is a big thing at university. However, I was prepared for this as I heard many stories and had tips from lots of friends and family that had done it before, and I have always considered myself a really out going and confident person and felt strong in my ability to manage this. However, this was just another thing on top of all the stress I already was feeling from my course.
I did contemplate dropping out of university altogether and moving back home, but I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do. I also thought about changing courses at university, but couldn't find anything that interested me. I'm really glad I stayed and didn't do anything rash. Yeah, my course is pretty bad in terms of my expectations verses reality, but I think I need to seriously manage those expectations. I was very lucky to be able to go to a decent college with good teaching and facilities, and, although you expect it from the money you're paying and the reputation of the university, it doesn't always equal out.
I'm determined to make next year much much better than this one, attack it and achieve as much as I can. Although I think this has been one of the most lonely and sad parts of my life so far, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
- From a much clearer me x
