What happened to me?

Monday 9th May 2016

For the last 8 months, I have been completely out of control.
I don't mean that in the raging alcoholic, heroin addict kind of way, but the sense that you cannot effect the changes in your life, and the feeling that your mind is seperate from your actions and what happens to you.

I moved to Edinburgh in September 2015 to come and study here at one of the best universities in the country. I was incredibly surprised to be given a place here, but spent the entire summer incredibly excited and enthusiastic for the next three years of my life. However, this didn't last long. I moved into my halls and the first few weeks, they were scary and weird and I missed home a bit but, most importantly, I was having fun. Soon after this, I went downhill. My work ethic completely spiralled, my course was absolutely confusing to me and I felt completely out of my depth and at a loss with what I should do. I didn't know how to handle this lack of direction or lack of any teaching at all, so I just buried it all at the back of my brain. I made excuses all day and night for everything about it, bottling it all up inside my head, which, I can tell you, breaks down your self-esteem and general mental health completely. I then would have a fun little breakdown every week or so, where I would collapse in tears and berate myself in my head for hours and hours, shouting at myself, until I could gather myself and push all my thoughts and true feelings away again. I hid inside food mostly, youtube videos and tv series, I couldn't even watch many films all the way through, because if I let my mind wander for too long I would think about all the issues I was having, so I couldn't even do that. Reading has always been a great love of mine as well, but that was completely out of the window for the last months as it leaves my mind too empty and wandering to 'bad' thoughts. I stopped caring about what I looked like, stopped shopping for clothes, stopped being excited about anything, stayed in bed as much as possible, over ate and ate horrible things for my body.

This continued over the Christmas break as well, as the short time I was home I pushed the thoughts of university away and concentrated on having a great time with my family and boyfriend. Then, on the last day before I was due to fly back to Edinburgh, I had a breakdown. This time, my mum was there. It was horrible at the time, but now I'm so glad she saw me like that. It showed her what a mess I was, and how much I had been pushing away and hiding all my feelings from myself and everyone else. We had a really long chat about my feelings towards my course and studying at university, it was really hard to be honest with her. I told her I hated myself and hated the course. I said I felt stupid and like I didn't belong there and that I'd conned myself into this university and wasn't supposed to be let in. I said how much time I'd been spending in bed and trying to forget, but most of all I told her how much I had been hurting inside and how I didn't know what to do anymore, I'd lost all focus and all energy. At one point I never thought I'd feel better ever again, and sometimes I still feel like that.

I think, in part, responsibility was a big factor, as I didn't take any for what I was doing or thinking or feeling. Another part was the missing home/moving away/making friends etc. which is a big thing at university. However, I was prepared for this as I heard many stories and had tips from lots of friends and family that had done it before, and I have always considered myself a really out going and confident person and felt strong in my ability to manage this. However, this was just another thing on top of all the stress I already was feeling from my course.

I did contemplate dropping out of university altogether and moving back home, but I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do. I also thought about changing courses at university, but couldn't find anything that interested me. I'm really glad I stayed and didn't do anything rash. Yeah, my course is pretty bad in terms of my expectations verses reality, but I think I need to seriously manage those expectations. I was very lucky to be able to go to a decent college with good teaching and facilities, and, although you expect it from the money you're paying and the reputation of the university, it doesn't always equal out.

I'm determined to make next year much much better than this one, attack it and achieve as much as I can. Although I think this has been one of the most lonely and sad parts of my life so far, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 - From a much clearer me x

Somersault Festival 2014.

When: July 17^th-21st

Where: Castle Hill Estate, Devon

Website: somersaultfestival.com

I went to Somersault festival with some trepidation as to what it would be like as it was the first time ever that it had been on, and I thought that it would be small and maybe a bit unorganised. However, I could not have been more wrong as it was a smooth running festival, with a huge site in the most beautiful location in Devon.

Somersault itself comes from the same stable as other UK festivals like Wilderness and The Great Escape. Somersault was more of family-orientated festival, where there were opportunities to go off site to the beach, and to do activities such as kayaking and surfing. However, there were also many activities and happening things on-site such as a rapping competition in the Variety Tent, holistic healing, yoga and massages in the Wild Wellbeing Centre and lots of crafts and games in the kids area.

As for the musical acts, highlights were Nick Mulvey’s brilliant set on Saturday as well as the famous Jack Johnson, who, while being brilliant and bringing a huge crowd, did have an extremely long set of over 2 hours, which got a bit tedious after a while. Half Moon Run also attracted a big crowd with their folk/indie style pop on Sunday followed by the haunting Ben Howard who had the group of boys near me all crying as they sung their hearts out! Jack Wills were there with their own acoustic tent where I particularly enjoyed the lovely Rae Morris in the afternoon.

My friend Jessye and I watching Half Moon Run.

The food on offer was vast and looked beautiful with two areas full of hundreds of stands such as a stall selling smoothies made by bike-power and a café that put garlic in everything. Kopparberg cider had their own bar, selling delicious chilled strawberry and lime cider at £5 a pint. As for other alcohol, there were 4 Somersault Bars stationed around the site with fairly reasonable prices (cheaper than Glastonbury anyway).

I got a free ticket as I worked with Green Stewards at the festival. This was an excellent experience as we got our own camping area away from the main areas, and only had to do three 6.5 hr shifts the whole weekend. Whilst working most festival-goers were understanding if I had to prevent them going into an area etc. and very chatty so the time flew by. I was lucky as I got shifts that usually didn't interfere with the main musical acts I wanted to see, but even if I wasn't, there was still plenty going on such as the Chai Wallah tent which had some brilliant DJ's on after 10 o'clock.

Overall I thoroughly enjoyed the festival and am definitely going to attend next year, hopefully stewarding again. The atmosphere was very relaxed and friendly, with plenty of security and nightlife to keep everyone going!

My ten holiday books

So I'm going on holiday next week for a fortnight. I always run out of things to read halfway through so this time I'm taking ten... I don't think that's too excessive....

1. Regeneration - Pat Barker

2. The Blind Assassin - Margaret Atwood

3. Sweet Tooth - Ian McEwan

4. Looking for Alaska - John Green

5. Notes on a Scandal - Zoe Heller

6. Scotland Yard - Sir Harold Scott

7. Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn

8. A Game of Thrones - George R. R. Martin

9. Call the Midwife - Jennifer Worth

10. How to Build a Girl - Caitlin Moran

7 ways to revamp your bedroom

1.    Lets start with the furniture. I love to move everything around in my room, I always change my desk and bed around for a different outlook and I’ve done this so many times. Your room often needs a refresher, especially if you spend a lot of time in your room. With a little shifting around, voila, I magically become an interior designer. If you think your bed would look better in the other corner or you think your desk should stick out from the wall, then try it! You can always change it back. If you don't fancy lugging heavy desks around at first, you can always grab a piece of paper, draw the shape of your room and try out the furniture in different places before you move them.

2.     Decorate your walls. I found this cute red Oxford canvas in a charity shop, I've used maps, postcards as well as birthday cards to make my plain white walls more interesting and personal. I also added some Cath Kidston style bunting that I got for my birthday-you could also buy some funky material, download a pattern from a website and make your own. Another common decoration is fairy lights. These are very pretty, give a cosy atmosphere and aren’t very expensive-I bought these for 6.99 from amazon.

3.     Next, the bed. It's a pretty vital part of your room, it is a BEDroom afterall. I love buying new bedding, and it gives you the opportunity to change or enhance the colour scheme in your room. You can also get throws and cushions to brighten it up and make it more comfy and homely.

4.     Spread out jewellery over your room, hang it from the walls or display it to add colour and interest to your room. It’s a really good way of showing your own style and individuality, it's also easy to reach.

5.     Put up more shelves to create more room to store or display things - the life of a bookaholic is cursed with putting up shelves and creating ever-growing piles on the floor...these actually make brilliant bedside tables! 

6.     Add a plant or two. These make the room look more exotic. Even if you aren’t good at keeping things alive-get cacti or a little palm tree, as they only need watering occasionally, or you can get artificial plants.

7.    Create a collage of family photographs. These are ones from my childhood of my family and friends, and it's always nice to remind yourself of memories from that time. It also adds a lot of colour and provides a focal point for the room.

A short interview with my brother re: home education!

Harry is 20, and has just finished his 2^nd year of a computer science degree at Nottingham University.

Do you feel that home education has given you an advantage over your peers?

The individuality that I have gained from being home educated has given me an advantage, and I feel that it has opened up my creativity as well. I think it has given me a definite employability status, as it is something different that employers tend to pick up on.

You only did 6 GCSE’s-was this a problem when you entered college?

To undertake my 4 A Levels I only needed 5 GCSE’s that included maths and English, so the college had no qualms in taking me on. I found it slightly ridiculous when I talked to the friends I made at college about the mountains of GCSE’s they had, some 13 or 14, as only had less than half that they had! However, at college it didn’t matter as most people there were in college because they chose to be, and pretty much everyone was interested and motivated within the lessons as much as I was, so it made no difference.

How did you feel entering college aged 16?

I really enjoyed the whole experience of my A Levels. It was new and interesting, and I really liked taking the subjects I was really interested in, to a new level as my studies were more in-depth. As for the social side, I liked meeting the new people and making more friends, but I still enjoyed, and do now, keeping in touch with and meeting up with my home-ed friends that I’ve known for years. The only problem was that I had to get up early for college! Overall I had a very positive experience, and I’m glad I entered college to complete my A Levels.

If you could pass on something to others about home education, what would it be?

The great thing about home ed is that you can learn as many different things as you like, which helps you to work out what you’re really interested in. It made me realize what I wanted to do in life, that I wanted to explore graphic design and computing, and home-ed helped me discover and explore it a lot at a younger age than I would probably have in school. It also inspired my creativity as we did a lot of drawing and painting throughout my childhood, which I think has definitely influenced the way I think and look at the world today.

Ballet.

I have just finished my Grade 8 ballet exam. It feels like the end of an era, entering a world where I don't go to ballet class every week. It's going to be strange, and it is already very sad. The tears afterwards were not because the exam went badly, on the contrary, but because we will dearly miss the dancing, the laughing and the friendship. We will miss our lovely teacher, the principle, who continues to put her heart and soul into teaching after all this time. And we will miss out other teacher who has had years of doing our hair and preparing us for exams as well as teaching and consoling us when we feel down. I will also miss the pianist who always makes sure that we are on the beat and ready to begin. He shed a few tears himself today, as he said goodbye to us all. I will also miss the ballet studio that has the two frustrating pillars in the middle of the room that you have to space yourself around, and the old photographs of performances that hang on the whitewashed walls. 

I will miss the gratification of trying hard and completing the grades. When you complete a ballet exam each year, no matter what the result, you always feel a great sense of pride and achievement that you got yourself to this level, and that you have performed for a London examiner and proved to her that you can do it. Thirteen years down the line and I can't imagine my life without it, but I'm sure I'll get used to it...eventually.

'Omg, you were home-educated???'

Why?

Some people choose home-ed because of religious reasons, however my parents felt like primary school was simply there for childcare and they wanted us to grow more freely, apart from the rules and levels that you have to climb in school.

Isn’t it against the law??

In the UK it is perfectly fine to educate your child at home, as long as the education they receive is suitable to their ability and aptitude.

But don’t you have to be a teacher?

Nope, you don’t have to have any formal education whatsoever to instruct your child at home.

Do you have any friends?!

Contrary to popular belief, I have a social life! Growing up, I had friends at my local home-ed group as well as from my dance classes and friends living in my village. Unlike the image that some people have, just because I’m home-ed it doesn’t mean I wear long, flowery skirts and sit at home crocheting all day…

But you’ll miss out on school’s valuable life lessons!

Valuable life lessons? I feel like I’ve learnt many more things to prepare me for the adult world from my family and friends at home than I would have at school. I know how to have a conversation, prepare for a job interview and bake a loaf of bread… what more could I ask for?

Can you wear your pjs all day??

Strangely, this is one of the questions I get asked the most, and the answer is, you can if you like, but you have to remember that we actually want to get up and learn because it’s fun. I can imagine if you were in school then came straight out you’d want to work in your pyjamas bcause it would be a novelty, but in reality, we prefer to get dressed and ready for the day.

What’s a typical day like??

That’s exactly it-there isn’t a typical day for a home-edder. We had things like an art class to go to or a group meet up to attend, but the point is that nothing is ‘compulsory’ like it is in school. We never really had a specific time to start or end our working time, just as much or as little as we felt like doing that day. One day I wanted to do a huge essay on Jane Austen’s history, so that’s what I did for about a week. I remember this one time when my 3 siblings and I took a week to prepare a whole Egyptian burial, my sister made an elaborate gold mask for the mummy, we all made clay models to be the servants in the next life as well as the  canopic jars. My brothers painted an old cardboard box to bury me in after I was wrapped in toilet paper as the mummy!